Well, we are up to day 3 here. The format is pretty well established by now. We are taking a look at forty of the most ridiculous covers ever to ‘grace’ the cover of a video game box. This marks our halfway point in our list. Tune in tomorrow and we will have our last ten.
Out of the two notorious Disney rip-off games to appear on the PS2 – the other being Animal Soccer World – this game is the more Satanic of the two evils. I mean wow, look at the extremely bad character models. Wait, can you EVEN call them “models”? Escaped souls from the River Styx possessing mannequins sounds about right. This is making my head hurt.
Street Sports Baseball
At first glance this slugger looks like the psycho from Cracker’s second episode (and frankly, that would’ve been much more interesting). Anyway, I really don’t know how to put this one – who thought it would be a good idea to put a very bad actor who clearly cannot distinguish between a look of disgust and a look of energetic fury on the front cover. Further, tell me again how is it a good idea of putting “Street Sports” on a car license plate? It’s so damn inconsistent!
The Mystery of the Druids
Ah, Mystery of the Druids. This one’s special. It’s not just terrible… it is legendarily bad, so bad it has become the benchmark by which other worst posters are judged by. It is (and please sense my extreme irony here) the ne plus ultra of really, really bad game covers. There’s no other way to say it: nothing works. Why is the Druid (assuming he is one) screaming? where are his bottom teeth gone to? What gets me the most is the pearly translucent thing going on where his beard should be. That cracks me up to no end!
Circle of Blood
Revolution Software’s magnum opus – also known as Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars – is exactly known for its wonderful cover, but this particular version is the most awful they have got. Inconsistency notwithstanding, there’s nothing about the Gargoyles-esque art style that hints at intrigue, murder, romance ad conspiracy all set within the majestic boundaries of Europe. While I do admit it does look OK on certain days (very much like an ugly baby), seeing as how the game ultimately plays out, this version doesn’t do any justice. The original cover is no better, but at-least it sets the right mood.
NCAA March Madness 2003
Little known fact: Drew Gooden (the player featured on the cover) is half T-Rex. Don’t believe me? take a look at his left arm and tell me he can slam dunk. If you’re thinking, “so what? if Spud Webb can, so can he!”. Well, at-least Webb has the deceny to be humanly proportionate before dribbling balls. Whoever did this should take an extensive class on human anatomy before opening PhotoShop (or any image editing software for that matter) again.
Zeddas: Servant of Sheol
This cover would provide titillation had not the females featured looked like character rejects from the hit MS-DOS game, Sanitarium. In fact, the latter had better presentation of female characters than this abomination and that game’s the most psychologically depressing ever made. The title sounds too random (Zeddas? Sheol? This is something Mel Brooks would say in his movies) and the character models feel like they were hastily made by someone very new to the ZBrush tool. Only they probably weren’t and… oh, I won’t waste any more time here, this is easily one of the crappiest cover to ever (dis)grace the shelves.
The Uncanny Valley effect refers to animatronics resembling human appearance and behavior, and this freaks out a-lot of people as it escapes their comfort zone of what is real and what is not. Something similar in me triggers when I see these so-called “balloon muscles”, especially when they’re poorly executed like this one here. Seeing one is bad enough (real life or not) but seeing two makes all the hairs on my body stand. And I have too many of that; so every time I see this cover, I feel like The Hedgehog. You do know who I’m talking about, right?
Cheggers Party Quiz
I understand that Cheggers is a nickname of popular 70’s British TV host, Keith Chegwin, but it seems just so wrong to say it – almost like it’s a derogatory word. Why anyone thought slapping such a dubious-sounding word from the 70’s on a seventh-gen console marketed to kids who think WWII happened as is as portrayed in Call of Duty is beyond me. Also, what’s up with the creepy caricature? I mean, Chegwin is a relatively decent-looking person, so why they go through the bother of coming up with a decidedly creepy caricature of him? I mean, is that his forehead?
Ultimate Duck Hunting
Duck hunting games will never be fashionable, but yet they try. Duck Hunt on the NES is pretty iconic and infamous in many gaming coteries, but at-least it had a decent cover with good pixel art… whereas this shit? What’s up with the dog’s disembodied head? Why does it look so disappointed? There’s nothing about this cover that suggests anything even remotely close to fun other than how funny it would look when you toss it into your garbage can.
The Orange Box
Hands down the worst video game cover in existence. Gordon looks unnaturally smug and this is the creepiest Heavy has ever been (discounting the creepy glee he has on his face in Meet the Demoman’s promo video). Also, the unfortunate positioning of Portal’s now-iconic stick figure has created a running joke amongst gamers.
Article by Hamza